Wednesday, November 12, 2008

It's all in the frame

The frame, the frame. I think it's probably a metaphor from physics. Theories of motion have speed always relative to a frame of reference. Then in rhetoric and NLP, there's framing the discussion. Perception is more important than reality. Or rather, in social matters, perception creates reality.

For the past couple of days I've been thinking about a different frame for me and Voice. Her choices are her choices. Mine, mine. That's not the give and take of a partnership, but I guess that means we're not partners. Which stands to reason, since she's with someone else. So can I reframe it? Can I think of her some way other than as a girlfriend? It's easier when she's gone, when she's busy or on the road, for weeks at a time. I remember that I'm actually a busy person myself, with not just more interesting work and accomplishments ahead and behind than I could ask for, but also someone surrounded by friends and by love and, actually, by romantic opportunity too.

So why do I find myself watching my phone, hoping she'll find two minutes to call me, for one of these monumentally unsatisfying conversations? When she unloads her stresses, tells me she's miserable, and then "has to" go?

I don't *have to* do that. But nor do I have to cut her off, I don't think. I think both of those are not taking the power that I do have in this situation. I can relate to her on my terms. I can seek what I want, from her and from life, and if I don't get it, make changes.

Framing helped me today. She was on stage for an event. Ferried to it by Auto. Management running around in the crowd. I had to go to it in any case, and have my own friends there. So I spent time with them, didn't seek anything from her, and didn't get anything. I had to go to the thing in any case, I reminded myself. If I frame it as, this is my lover and she won't even acknowledge me in public, I could let it ruin my day. If I frame it as, I went to an event, saw some friends, and left to get on with the rest of my day, it's better.

No comments: