Wednesday, March 18, 2009

When you get what you wish for...

It's been two months, and the world has changed.

I let the thing with the Gymnast fade. It's now been pretty much a year since I have heard from Music.

But my world is upside down because Voice is back in the picture. Her boyfriend, Management, moved to a different continent. Her orbiter, Auto, still lurks in the background, but she had an explicit breakup conversation with him. She moved to her own place, and I've been spending my nights there.

It's been a rocky road. One night she spent at Auto's house, and began to half-move in there before turning back from that. She still thinks about his car when she needs to get something done, getting angry at me for denying her the convenience. "If this is not something you're doing for your life, if this is something you think I'm making you do", I say, "then you shouldn't do it."

The first two weeks the sex was like making up for all the years we missed, but for the past four days we've been fighting. When she fights, she makes no provision for my dignity or her own. She yells, she walks away, she hangs up on me, she swears. I don't want to be abused. But it's too simple to say I should leave. Because she escalates fights so much, I don't want to say what's on my mind. But if I don't say what's on my mind, then we're not really in a relationship any more. I wanted her in my life and here she is. Still halfway though. I still have to hide it from my friends and loved ones. I am still a secret, which I hate.

I have traded loneliness for drama. This is love, but I want to be treated better. I deserve better.

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