Sunday, January 11, 2009

A mostly freed mind

The author of the book about online dating "Millions of Women are Waiting to Meet You", writes at one point that he has only felt free, or sated, of sexual desire for a few moments in his life. I am going through one such moment. Not that I'm getting all that much - in fact, I haven't gotten any in 2009. But there seem to be other things that matter more, these days. I've been working hard, really hard, at something that is sure to fail. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to change a horrifically lopsided situation. And people I love, Voice included, are in it with me. Well, I suppose it makes more sense to say I am in it with her. She's on stage in front of thousands of people screaming her lungs out. I struggle my way through the crowd to get to the front so that she can see my face. "I think it will boost her morale," I tell Guitar.

"What would you do right now, if you were me?" she asks me on the phone. Our phone time is down to about 5 minutes a day, she calls from work and we talk until she or I get a media phone call.

"I'd like to think," I say, "that I'd do exactly what you were doing, if I had the strength."

"I don't know what to focus on - oh, wait, that was a complement," she says.

"It was."

"Your complements are always so indirect."

I haven't spent a moment alone with her in almost a month.

The Gymnast is making her way into my life now. I saw her once since I came home from the US, just for an hour. I was distracted, wanted to get home to work. She wanted to cuddle. We cuddled for a while and I began to protest that I had to leave. She kept contriving conversation topics and not releasing me from the cuddling. It was cute. But I left. I'll see her tonight, but tonight, too, I'd rather be working. So I'll go to her place late, I suppose, maybe spend the night with her.

From the time Music left my life until now I have not felt so focused or strong. I haven't felt like I could take it or leave it the way I feel now. And if I could keep this feeling forever I would. I think when I met Music I was much closer to this mental state than I was after I lost her. Loneliness and neediness are not sexy. And maybe it is true what they say, that it is better to want what you have than to get what you want. What I want to do in the world is so much more powerful than what I want from women or sexual life right now, and I feel a lot more balanced as a consequence. And perhaps it doesn't need saying, but my attractiveness hasn't suffered at all. The only problem this feels like something that happened to me, not something that I did or changed. Maybe if I can remember this feeling well enough I can call on it when I need it.

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