Flakes

Just another night alone, playing David Usher on the computer and feeling things.

I thought I'd try out going to the club alone on the weekend. I discovered a few things. One, I went out too early (10:30) and the club I ended up in was empty (the first line I got into was guest list only, leading me to think I should get on the guest list first). I chatted up a gorgeous little bartender, saying I was waiting for friends. The plus side of the bar being empty meant that I had lots of time with her, since she had no one else to wait on. But when the time my friends were supposed to show up arrived, I had to go. I got her number, but as I suspected, she didn't pick up when I called.

Charming someone when they're in front of you is one thing: leaving an impression to the point where she'll pick up when you call is another.

There's another girl I like that I've known for years. She works at an Italian restaurant on College st that I stumbled on by chance and whenever I go there to see her we flirt like crazy. Then I call her and she doesn't return my call. Rinse and repeat. I just can't seem to hook her.

Whether it is just statistical probablility (most numbers will flake) or something I am doing wrong, the solution is probably to get more numbers. If that's the case, I should go to the club later, on the guest list, and actually with friends.

I'm also a bit devastated about what happened at work today. Even when you have a job you love, some people have to get fired. Having to fire someone is not fun. It was pretty much the first time I've done it. I understand now what it's like to be too ashamed to look someone in the eye, to retreat behind third-person language; I understand how people can become bad people. If I had to fire people all the time, I'd either feel like I was a bad person or I'd have to start feeling like they were bad people. Either way, I'd be carrying around something that I'm carrying around now that I don't like. There wasn't really any bad verbal behavior, from me or my fellow firers, nor even from the fired. But the situation was bad: nothing could make it good.

Do they make masks for verbal toxicity?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Beyonce's 'If I Were a Boy' video

Beyonce's If I Were a Boy is now one of my favorite videos of all time. Watch it now so I can spoil it in discussion below.

The brilliance of the video is in the concept, but it could not be done without absolutely perfect acting. The video runs as follows. We open with Beyonce getting ready in the morning. Her boyfriend's made breakfast and is obviously excited that they might eat together. She snubs him and leaves the breakfast. You watch him and your heart sinks with his. She goes through her whole workday with her (male) work partner, flirting heavily with him, while her boyfriend spends the day at work rebuffing (light) advances from attractive co-workers and purchasing a gift for Beyonce online. They go to a party together where Beyonce again flirts with her co-worker and her boyfriend looks on like a loser. Then the song breaks with a tiny snippet of dialogue between Beyonce and her boyfriend where you realize you've been taken for a ride. It's at 3:37:

"I don't think you realize when you act like that, how it makes me look. Or feel," he says.

She turns around, her body still facing forward. "Act like what? Why are you so jealous? It's not like I'm sleeping with the guy." She says this laughing a little, the implication that her boyfriend is being stupid and irrational for feeling how he is feeling.

"What?" he says, stunned that she would bring up sleeping with another guy.

"What?" she says, with the same expression.

Then the video switches focus. And he repeats, laughing at her, now, using the same manner that she had:

"I said, yo, why are you so jealous? It ain't like I'm sleeping with the girl!"

And we're back to the beginning. You realize that Beyonce was the chump, that her boyfriend was the one blowing her breakfast off, leaving her at the table, chasing after other girls. Your sympathy goes from her boyfriend to her, and it's so much more with her because you were more sympathetic to her boyfriend than you would have been if she had been the chump all along.

What gets me so much about the video is that I've been on both sides of this. I also see the expressions on their faces and have worn them all. When he's just staring into space, or calling her phone having her not pick up, or watching her flirt with someone else. And even, I wish it weren't so, but even after the switch, when he was the one hurting her and laughing at her. I've felt trapped in these fights like I couldn't find a way through them without hurting my girl. Especially with Voice. When I watch the party scene, I wonder if I'm watching my future. If I were her boyfriend, I wouldn't be looking on helplessly. I'd be having a good time myself. But before too long I would start to wonder why we were even together. With Voice, we're not together. But if we were, would it be like that? Maybe. Am I watching my future, or maybe my present? And am I really as helpless as I feel? I don't believe I am.

To stop a rumor

I was in a meeting yesterday night, work-related, a somewhat high-stakes situation. The president of the organization I work for is taking a hands-off approach. One of my colleagues was talking about the president's decision to stay above the fray, and as a sidebar she said: "He also doesn't have much regard for women." She then told an anecdote that I thought was very ambiguous: he questioned the credentials of a woman subordinate. It was second hand, in other words.

I know that sexism is ubiquitous and that power plays are common. I know that part of sexism is putting the burden of proof on the woman to prove that sexism happened. I also know that reputation means a great deal and that maligning someone's reputation this way shouldn't be casually done. I know the president a little and have never gotten a sexist feeling from him. Of course, I'm a man. The other thing about the president is that he's a man of color, and men of color get accused of sexism by white people more readily then white men.

Calling a man sexist is either a serious accusation or it isn't. If it is serious, then maybe we should be trying to get the president fired. If it is not serious, but something everybody is, then he shouldn't be singled out in stories to be told in such meetings. I think it is serious, and so such accusations should only be made with extreme caution.

There was a moment when I thought I could have stopped the rumor if I had spoken quickly. But I did not want to add more tension and I did not know how to speak up without attacking my colleague. I wanted to say: "You shouldn't accuse him of that without evidence." Or, "that has not been my experience with him," matter-of-factly. And then transitioned to the next topic, or asked a question. That might have been the best move, but if I had blurted it I think I would have sounded harsh.

So, the situation is this: something is said that you think is destructive. You don't want to let it pass. But the social situation is tense, and you don't want to attack the person who said it, or at least not very harshly. What is the best move?

A phone call for punishment

Does every conversation contain within it the entire background of the relationship? Does every word then have more meaning if it is spoken between two people with a history? And if so, then how much use is it to analyze what is said and how it is said?

The basic problem between Voice and me is this. She sees me as her boyfriend and expects me to act that way. In public, I am friendly and fun, sometimes the entertainer of the group, other times the host, other times enjoying a side conversation. I like women. I don't hide it. I don't hide it even when I'm with someone, though I do respect that person and stay by her side. But I'm not with Voice, and I'm not going to bust through a phalanx of Auto and Management and whoever else to beg for her attention. I am going to, as the PUAs would say, live in my own reality and have my own fun. That means talking to women, and not just as asexual beings. Voice hates this, and gets jealous, and it consistently wrecks our private time.

One friend, not a close one, but one I flirt with some, I'll call Cell. For months, Cell and I have been pretty close. I think Cell is damned hot, but for as long as I've known her the thing with Voice has been going on. So real feelings for Voice have always held me back from making any moves on Cell. The other night I heard (from Voice, who's her friend) that Cell was seeing some dude. I wasn't upset, I didn't feel like I'd missed an opportunity. I was happy for her. The next time I talked to Cell, I asked her about the dude. That was my mistake. I didn't realize it was a secret, and I should have more discretion. So she figures it out, goes to the source, and then I get the punishment call from Voice.

"When I tell you something in private, it's private."

That was legitimate, I thought. I had miscalculated - I didn't realize it was a secret to anyone. "Okay. I'm sorry."

Then the punishment part: "Are you going to tell her about this conversation too?"

Now, maybe she was legitimately afraid I would, but I think it was a rhetorical question, one she didn't need to ask, one that was just to cause a little extra hurt. Because for the past few days - and, indeed, in much of our conversation for years - she's been talking about being stressed to her limits, busy with work, strained by her other relationships, and taxed to the bone, without the energy to fight, I then have to just absorb the attack.

"No, I won't," I said, as straight as possible.

"This is stupid. I should go do my work." Here, too, a set of implications chosen for punishment. The word "stupid". This is all beneath her (not so far beneath her that she didn't call, but beneath her when it's time to hang up - on her schedule).

"Okay" - I let irritation creep in to that. I didn't have much of a defense anyway. If there had been any doubt, I should not have said anything.

"Bye."

I hang up. Now I'm cold and angry, feeling like I've just been slapped around. The only things I could have done were to

* escalate, and call her out for the attack explicitly. She would have defended herself, we would have fought, and it would have ended with her reminding me that she doesn't want to fight me.

* take it completely and be apologetic. But I don't feel that and don't want to build resentment.

Was there another move? Was there a way to defend myself without escalating? To turn the conversation in a more productive direction? To reassure her that her secrets are safe with me, explain how I didn't realize this was a secret, without having to take what felt like a gratuitous hit?

Or, does it go beyond the language and the conversation to the fact that our whole relationship is fucked up to the core? I think there are ways to navigate these situations better, but I also don't want to start thinking language is magic, and forget that some situations should just be avoided.