Married life, trust...

Welcome back - more for myself.

So much happens in a year and a half.

I have been married to the Princess, almost a year now. I have got a modest bestseller and am transitioning to becoming a full-time author, transitioning from the humanitarian work that would be taking me away from Princess and my future children. Voice is long gone. Now a very distant work-colleague, literally oceans away. Music is a distant memory. Soulmate, a best friend. Princess is my world now, and I would trade it for nothing on earth.

From trying late to learn the skills of pickup, I am now in a totally different world. I am now trying to be a good husband. From trying to learn how to get and keep a girl's attention, my mind is now focused on how to manage constant demands for my attention and balance them against work, friends. It is amazing how things change. A few years ago I would have looked at Princess and strategized how I could get her to talk to me. How I would make myself interesting enough.

Now my life is characterized by her complete trust of me. Her life has been characterized by betrayal after betrayal, from family to early mentors on. She met me disillusioned. Thinking she couldn't trust anyone, knowing that you can do very little in this world if you really can't trust anyone, wanting desperately to trust me. And now she does. For every little thing, for every answer, for a role model, she looks to me. Her annoyance with me is always when she thinks I am not paying enough attention to her.

And I have trust in her, too. The idea that she might cheat on me strikes me as preposterous. And her trust in me is what makes me not want to cheat.

I have fantasies though. She has a best friend, who's almost as hot as her in a totally different way. Tall, athletic, big blond curly hair, very submissive. I imagine what a threesome would be like. We could all live together, maybe. I imagine showering with the best friend while Princess is doing her work in the next room, we all lay down together at night, I come home to find them in bed together laughing. I could teach the best friend a lot, the way I've taught Princess.

But when my temptations and fantasies run away from me, I imagine how it would shatter her world and it's almost like a protection from my own selfishness. She trusts me. I fear screwing it up. But her trust in me makes me want to live up to it. I think maybe this is how people grow. We grow because others believe we are better than we are. She thinks of me as her little god, and now I have to earn that.